The good news first!
You’ll be relieved to know that lying is a natural part of child development.
During the early years (4-5), it is quite normal for little people to make up stories and distort details as the lines between reality and fantasy first begin to blur. More often than not, parents and care givers encourage this creativity in an effort to encourage role play and to expand the imagination.
Significance of lying:
The good news is that scientific research shows that ‘lying’ is a useful skill that requires a range of sophisticated elements. The diagram (Fig.1) identifies how being able to dance around the truth is actually quite tricky to do successfully.
Hence there are core skills required to a lie well and as such, this is an important milestone in child development. It genuinely isn’t all bad news!
It is common for there to be phases when young people are ‘toying’ with this concept and experimenting with its boundaries. It is at these times that children will need guidance and affirmation from adults around them, on when and how to err on the side of truthfulness and honesty.
For what purpose do children lie (embellish the truth)?
Fantasy – It can be as simple as being bored or just wanting to see if they can trick you. Sometimes it is more exciting and interesting to embellish the truth with some fantasy.
Bragging – As the ego comes to life and children begin to compare and contrast themselves to each other, its normal for them to exaggerate the truth to gain attention.
Avoid getting into trouble – the natural instinct to self-preserve and protect oneself means that children will learn that in order to avoid negative consequences, they can lie, hide the truth or not tell the whole truth.
Pressure and anxiety - In some instances, lying can be a warning signal that there are deeper or more serious issues causing this behaviour. Take your time to discuss if there are any external or internal pressures influencing the child adversely. Make sure they feel safe and provide reassurance that its good to talk to someone.
Parent – Child Trust Pyramid:
You can use our Parent – Child Trust Pyramid below to rebuild trust with your child Differentiate between these important concepts:
• Trust
• Truthfulness
• Integrity
• Relationships
How to use the pyramid:
Take each of the four elements and talk about them as important values.
Discuss how easily relationships can be weakened if trust is broken and similarly, how much stronger they can be if they are based on trust and integrity.
Identify real life experiences from the past as examples of how you deal with these concepts. Make it a regular conversation at the dinner table and always remember to weave in your own personal opinions. This really helps a child understand you are speaking from a position of empathy and encourages them to do the same.
Also talk about dishonesty. Explain how it can serve a purpose for instance, when planning a surprise party for a loved one, you might need to make a few stories up to distract the birthday person. More often than not though, lies tend to cause greater challenges and breaks down trust. You can bring in interesting world topics to illustrate your point, such as politics, news, social media and make it a topical conversation.
This discussion as part of an overall process will enable open communication to grow within the family unit. Fundamentally, this is the ultimate goal that needs to be achieved to enable young people to establish their own beliefs on truthfulness versus dishonesty. Then, when they encounter a future dilemma, strong foundations previously set, can kick in and open communication with you can follow.
Appreciate the truth:
It is important that when your child displays honesty in some capacity, that you recognise both the courage it takes to do the right thing and appreciate their effort. Reward them accordingly by praising their choice and encourage them to continue practicing this positive behaviour.
The future is brighter!
Your effort now, in establishing firm boundaries around how your family tackles 'honesty' will lay the foundations to how your child responds to challenges, worries, failure and success in his/her future. No Pressure!
Their ‘go to process’ will determine how they behave and the habits they form. Remember that the level of sophistication with which they experiment with lies, typically evolves as they get older and so your response and discussions will need to mirror that too. Simply reading this shows that you have this on your 'parenting radar' and so much of parenting is about keeping an eye on your child's social and emotional development.
Being creative in your approach can be helpful. For adolescents and teenagers you might want to have more candid conversations and offer more about your own life experience. You could even draw up a contract on what you expect from them and vice versa. For the younger ones, as a conversation starter, explore Aesop's Fable: The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Experiment with what works with your unique child’s strengths and weaknesses and be honest with them about your concerns and worries. The more you share with them, the more normal and reassured they will feel and less isolated and burdened. Offering your unconditional support will be invaluable even if your child doesn’t appreciate it at the time, they will be grateful to you in years to come!
Visit www.glow-therapy.com for more information.
The therapy clinic that is committed to empowering adults, children and families, to truly live a happy and fulfilled life.
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