Make sure you read the easy to follow tips below so you can start finding out more today!
Notice how much more you learn about your child and their day, by just adapting your style of questioning just a little bit.
At Glow Therapy we create strategies that are practical, effective and easy to use. We hope you find this one changes the way you and your child communicate about your day.
Primary school children in England, on average spend 640 hours in the classroom each year. Secondary school pupils will spend approximately 720 hours in the classroom each year.
Given those statistics it is understandable and reasonable that as a parent you will want to know something about what your child got up to in those hours and not just in the classroom but also during break times, activities and on social media if they are old enough to have.
Tip 1) Ask Open Questions:
Do you find yourself asking your child: ‘Did you have a good day?’ he / she replies with a standard ‘yes’, ‘no’ or if you’re really lucky a strange grunt like 'ugh' sound!?
Instead, try asking an open ended question.
‘Were there any surprising moments in your day?’ or ‘what was tricky or challenging today?’
Asking an open ended question creates an opportunity to say more and respond freely, don’t worry, I’m sure that your son / daughter will still surprise you with that endearing ‘ugh’ sound at other opportunities!
Tip 2) Use Question Words:
Use a variety of ‘question words’ like the ones below to start your conversation.
What / Where / When / How / Who
Avoid using ‘Why’ in this context if there is a better alternative to avoid judging the situation. It’s fine to ask this question once you have gathered all the information you can. The great thing about using these openers is that you hear wider insight of experiences.
Tip 3) Appropriate Timing:
Ask important questions at the appropriate time and make sure you have time to deal with the response.
If your child mentions there was a surprise, good or bad, it is important you take the time to then listen to the details. If there isn’t quality time to talk (you might be rushing to an activity or something else) wait to ask when there is more time to talk.
Children do observe that adults are not really listening and can get into a habit of not bothering to answer questions.
It’s also ok not to ask all your questions the moment you meet. It’s ok to talk about your day first and save the low down to later.
Tip 4) Listen First, Respond Much Later:
Avoid responding immediately or emotionally when your child has had a difficult day.
Maybe you find out that a test went badly, he/she wasn’t concentrating in class or something else. In these instances, pause and practice listening to all the information and taking your time before reacting. You might feel annoyed, angry and disappointed yourself but it is important to allow your child the time to express their feelings freely first without worry of how Mum or Dad might respond.
Instead, ask questions that probe him/her to breakdown the issue. Your conversation can lead to resolution, which would be a very helpful conclusion rather than a row.
Here are some examples of how you can frame questions to achieve this.
‘How did that make you feel?’
‘How could you deal with that differently next time?’
‘What do you need from me to make you feel better?’
For older children and teenagers you can try more complex questions.
‘Are there other ways you could have approached this that could have resulted in better outcomes?’
‘How could you be more prepared for this in the future?’
‘Is it time to try something different? Would it be helpful to talk through alternatives?’
Tip 5) Windows of Opportunity:
What can you say when your child clearly won’t share any information with you?
Time after time parents have confirmed that this works. In your own words create an open window of opportunity so that the child can come to you to talk when they are ready. This works with all ages of children especially older ones.
‘I just want you to know that I am here for you, when you are ready, and I really want to listen to you.’
This provides them with reassurance and comfort. Importantly it also creates a second chance for them to communicate. Eventually they tend to take you up on your offer.
Tip 6) Role modelling:
Children and young people learn well sub consciously, through watching and practicing what they see others doing.
Talk about your own day, be sure to include what didn’t go as planned and what did go well. This is key. You are demonstrating two important things; that it is normal for things to go wrong; and that it is healthy to share information about all aspects of life.
This builds trust into your relationship and by example your child learns that it’s helpful to talk about the good and not so great things that happen. It also gives them a sense of freedom to share openly without being judged because it is normal to experience ups and downs.
With older children and teenagers, it is possible to take the role modelling a stage further to also include your experiences in social media and tricky issues in the work place that you may be experiencing high’s or low’s.
The overall objective is to break down barriers and create open two way communication. Having a dialogue about your day means your child can learn about the challenges in your life, strengthening your relationship. He / she also gains valuable exposure to new ways of dealing with problems and trust deepens between parent and child. It’s a win win!
Tip 7) Be Creative: Ask interesting questions that you would want to answer yourself.
Think back to your day at work or at home, how many different things did you get up to? Consider the variety of elements your child is exposed to. Create a list of different areas you are interested in and regularly vary what you ask.
Take a look at the table created for you below for some extra inspiration. Have fun talking to your family and keep communication interesting by varying the things you ask children about. You'll be surprised at how much more you hear and how much goes on!
Visit www.glow-therapy.com for more information.
The therapy clinic that is committed to empowering adults, children and families, to truly live a happy and fulfilled life.
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